fromolicious (fromolicious) wrote in paybackisabitch,

Post written by sostark

Jon Stewart is a douche

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it has come to my attention that Jon Leibowitz Stewart is not funny. Let me break this to you gently: two facial expressions, bad hair and a membership at Jews R Us does not a comedian make. Not unlike everyone's favorite "actor", Keanu Reeves, riding the wave of ankle-length leather jackets and annoying "futuristic" sunglasses, Jon Stewart enjoys the success of The Daily Show despite his mediocre contributions. And not unlike the empty-headed youngsters that masturbate to Carrie Ann Moss in pleather, millions of empty-headed youngsters mentally masturbate to Stewart's self-aggrandizing one-liners and bad puns nightly, giving this self-titled "fake news" show more credit than it deserves.

Not to toot my own horn, but I am one of those very special people who watched The Daily Show when Craig Kilborn hosted it. Maybe it was the fact that Clinton was in office, or maybe it was the fact that back then the show had actual jokes, not just plays on words and stabs at political players, but things were different back then. And by different I mean funny.

Nowadays I can count on Jon Stewart for only one of two things: an obnoxious stare that eagerly waits for my acceptance, or a stab at a really hard target like, say, rednecks or people of faith. Roll out the red carpet, here comes John Stewart! Making fun of easy targets since 1999! What do we have to look forward to next? Oh no, I can't believe it, he's actually making fun of Iraqi accents! My sides, my SIDES! Wiat, hang on, I might lose my lunch...a joke about the Pope-Mobile?? Are you kidding me? I'm dying over here!

Seriously though, Jon Stewart hosting a comedy show is like Madonna writing a children's book or Shaq creating "music". Unfortunately all of these horrible ideas have come to fruition, but that doesn't mean that we have to stand for it. Look at his illustrious career as, for example, a failed talk show host, or as the lovable Todd Zalinsky in Since You've Been Gone</a>: the guy has no standards, and no real history of being funny. Is an appearance in a documentary about The Barenaked Ladies directed by Jason Priestley a credential for comedy? I think not!

The worst thing, however, about Jon Stewart's undeserved rise to fame is the simple fact that he's totally confused as to his place. I'm pissed off because I am constantly waiting for funny, and all he delivers is the occasional verbal caption to a photo of a politician, as if every jackass on the web hadn't already posted the same fucking thing. He actually believes that he is a news anchor, and that is the problem. They feed him lines, and he continues to say it's a "joke news show", but manages to wrangle his way on to Crossfire in an attempt to show them what real journalists should be like. His escape hatch? "I'm just a comedian!"

Touche, Jon. If only that were true.

His confusion is only bolstered by the media's fascination with 'easy to understand' news: the show receives numerous awards and nominations, furthering his delusional condition. He's gone so far into the depths of self-involvement that he actually claims to have written a book! We all know the likelihood of that being the case. Does he mean his writers wrote a book? And plastered his face on it? Because that's all I see. I see pimple-faced college kids spilling beer on your "book" since it sits on top of a pile of Onion collections, and I see vaguely political twenty-somethings using it as toilet reading because they're too lazy to watch "real news".

Congratulations on your achievements, Jon Stewart, I hope you milk this for all you can, because the bottom line is that at the end of the day, you're still just a "the next Bill Maher" to most Americans, as if that means anything besides prostitutes and crack.
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic