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Post written by sostark [13 Sep 2005|03:44pm]

Jon Stewart is a douche

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it has come to my attention that Jon Leibowitz Stewart is not funny. Let me break this to you gently: two facial expressions, bad hair and a membership at Jews R Us does not a comedian make. Not unlike everyone's favorite "actor", Keanu Reeves, riding the wave of ankle-length leather jackets and annoying "futuristic" sunglasses, Jon Stewart enjoys the success of The Daily Show despite his mediocre contributions. And not unlike the empty-headed youngsters that masturbate to Carrie Ann Moss in pleather, millions of empty-headed youngsters mentally masturbate to Stewart's self-aggrandizing one-liners and bad puns nightly, giving this self-titled "fake news" show more credit than it deserves.

Not to toot my own horn, but I am one of those very special people who watched The Daily Show when Craig Kilborn hosted it. Maybe it was the fact that Clinton was in office, or maybe it was the fact that back then the show had actual jokes, not just plays on words and stabs at political players, but things were different back then. And by different I mean funny.

Nowadays I can count on Jon Stewart for only one of two things: an obnoxious stare that eagerly waits for my acceptance, or a stab at a really hard target like, say, rednecks or people of faith. Roll out the red carpet, here comes John Stewart! Making fun of easy targets since 1999! What do we have to look forward to next? Oh no, I can't believe it, he's actually making fun of Iraqi accents! My sides, my SIDES! Wiat, hang on, I might lose my lunch...a joke about the Pope-Mobile?? Are you kidding me? I'm dying over here!

Seriously though, Jon Stewart hosting a comedy show is like Madonna writing a children's book or Shaq creating "music". Unfortunately all of these horrible ideas have come to fruition, but that doesn't mean that we have to stand for it. Look at his illustrious career as, for example, a failed talk show host, or as the lovable Todd Zalinsky in Since You've Been Gone</a>: the guy has no standards, and no real history of being funny. Is an appearance in a documentary about The Barenaked Ladies directed by Jason Priestley a credential for comedy? I think not!

The worst thing, however, about Jon Stewart's undeserved rise to fame is the simple fact that he's totally confused as to his place. I'm pissed off because I am constantly waiting for funny, and all he delivers is the occasional verbal caption to a photo of a politician, as if every jackass on the web hadn't already posted the same fucking thing. He actually believes that he is a news anchor, and that is the problem. They feed him lines, and he continues to say it's a "joke news show", but manages to wrangle his way on to Crossfire in an attempt to show them what real journalists should be like. His escape hatch? "I'm just a comedian!"

Touche, Jon. If only that were true.

His confusion is only bolstered by the media's fascination with 'easy to understand' news: the show receives numerous awards and nominations, furthering his delusional condition. He's gone so far into the depths of self-involvement that he actually claims to have written a book! We all know the likelihood of that being the case. Does he mean his writers wrote a book? And plastered his face on it? Because that's all I see. I see pimple-faced college kids spilling beer on your "book" since it sits on top of a pile of Onion collections, and I see vaguely political twenty-somethings using it as toilet reading because they're too lazy to watch "real news".

Congratulations on your achievements, Jon Stewart, I hope you milk this for all you can, because the bottom line is that at the end of the day, you're still just a "the next Bill Maher" to most Americans, as if that means anything besides prostitutes and crack.
2| Articulate

Post written by guild [13 Sep 2005|03:43pm]

, you have been reviewed!

Grade: F+

This person was accepted... ...and I was not.

Do I need further evidence? No, but here's more anyway.

Oh goody. Something to read.

1. You must post your application within 24 hours of joining – make the subject “eat my fuck” or something along that line. ...

2. Use an lj-cut Raise your hand if you don't know how to use lj-cut. Keep those hands up while I write down your names. Ok, 12 year old in the back and retarded kid in a wheel chair. Thanks. I got you. You can put your hand down now, Jimmy. Put it down. Good boy.

3. Only accepted members can comment and post [besides new applicants on their own apps], so don't even try it. no bashing members.

4. Once you’re accepted, you MUST vote. If you don’t, you will be kicked out. Note that no-one follows this rule. They have 18 members and the last time someone got a full membership vote was fucking never.

5. When voting, be sure to put your yes or no in bold.

6. If there is a tie, mod[s] will come to a final decision.

7. You will only be accepted if you have at least 3 pictures with your application (if you have an icon that is a picture of yourself, that can count as one).

x No group shots,
x no links! We want to see the actual pictures.
x NO photoshopped or high contrast pictures in your application.More disregarded rules. If there's one thing I hate more than a shitty community, it's a shitty community with a clueless maintainer.

8. Once you're accepted, you may post whatever you want, whenever you want (more pictures, poetry, communities, opinions, etc.)

Please note the complete lack of a number nine.

10. If we don't like you, you’re going to get some nasty comments/votes. Deal with it. Can’t take the heat? Get the hell out.

11. Start shit and you will be banned. "We can dish it out but we can't take it!"

12. once accepted you must promote! "The maintainer is lazy!"

**NOTE: While votes are crucial to an app, the mods have the final say in all acceptances/rejections. This is to keep the community selective - the way it should be.** "Don't bother voting. It won't count."

</strong>Application: If you're going to make a FORM for your community, PLEASE PLEASE have the common sense to make sure it looks like it was written by a person with SOME grasp on the english language. Capitalization and grammar make a big difference when it comes to getting new members. If your application looks like crap, most likely you'll get nothing but crap members. Just so you know.

1. name:

2. age(16 and older):

3. sex: HUR HUR YES PLEASE god

4. sexual orientation

5. 5 movies

6. 3 books

7. your hero(famous or not):

8. location You know, just in case some chemistry between two very shy members pops up, at least neither of them has to waste fourteen calories saying "a/s/l?"

9. 10 bands you like: I don't think I have EVER asked someone I wanted to sleep with this question and cared about the answer. If she's hot, but I find out she's the biggest Hanson/Manson fan in existence, who gives a shit?

10. what do you think of the following: I could go on yet another tirade about communities that CLAIM to be rating based on appearance, then turn around and include political questions in their applications, but I'd be the only one listening and I've heard it all before.

x. george bush
x. gay marriage
x. abortion
x. capital punishment

10. what makes you sexy? My ability to count. This is the second #10 in this section.

11. were you invited? if no where did you find eat__my_fuck Notice their interests list. I have to say, someone with taste was pissing in the pool that day.

12. at least three pics n an lj cut


The people in all these pictures look like they just farted... and this chick with the sign is apparently bragging about it.

First thought: !


The plural form of misfit seems like an oxymoron.
I'd hit it.

Winner: The Maintainer! He's pink, he's squishy, he just got out of the shower/has really greasy hair, and he's not afraid of his sexual orientation! I WOULD EAT HIS FUCK!

Post written by enickmatic [13 Sep 2005|03:41pm]
On Vertical and Horizontal Integration
Okay bitches, I'm back; and if my brief hiatus has taught me anything, it's everything there is to know about incorporation. I kid you not. I am now a shrewd businessmen comparable to Andrew Carnegie (but without the scientific philanthropy-- that asshole, caring about other people) or James Pierpont Morgan (but without the face that looks like a muppet). I am also gorgeous, but that's always been true. And also maybe this sudden explosion of omnipotence was due to my recent engagement to [info]joffy. All of those people pleading for her hand don't stand a chance against me, as they fail to realize that the true way to [info]joffy's heart, nay to all girls' hearts, is through neglect.

But I digress. What's brought me to this post today is my idea-- my... vision, if you will-- about where this community should be heading. Call me Wovoka, but I think that the best thing for this place would be to branch off of the internet, where idiots can seem intelligent, and into the mainstream world, where idiots can seem intelligent.

There are several steps we must follow in order for this to unfold properly. They are as follows:

1. Achieving Stardom -- We all know that the only way to be noticed in this country is through a zany stunt. In the past, people got by on simple acts of hanging elephants, but that shit just won't cut it anymore. Now we need something fresh, something that can crush other peoples' dreams. That's really what Americans love, anyway: crushing other peoples' dreams. That said, I motion that we abduct one of the Olsen Twins-- preferably the healthy one, as no sane captor barters with damaged goods-- and proceed to operate on her with plastic surgery. I'm sure [info]shamroq has lots of things in his basement for the disfiguration of teenage girls, and I'm quite sure that [info]pdanielson has lots of roofies (face it, that guy gets laid as often as Sally Struthers). The purpose of this surgery would be to render the one twin completely unrecognizable from the other-- thus ruining both of their careers. Afterall, nobody will pay money to watch something with fraternal twins in it.

2. Basking in Stardom
-- Our Olsen Twin stunt should have generated a lot of attention by this time, so the fields are ripe for proverbial picking. What's left is the actual incorporation. This is where we start, simultaneously, a chain of drive-in cinemas that air only graphic scat porn and profane Japanese gore-porn (or "gorn") and also a shop vending [info]shamroq's genius masturbatoral supplements. And considering that last sentence, we can also start a company that makes up words.
3. ??????
-- ??????
4. Profit
-- With which we can buy colored hats. Like those found here.

So who's with me? C'mon! Let's rise up!

Chicago will be ours!

Post written by shamroq [13 Sep 2005|03:39pm]
4 easy payments of $19.95!
Now that I have been around here for a while, I think I've begun to see the type of people that will likely populate this community, namely chronic masturbators. As such, I must indulge my capitalistic side and extend an offer that could potentially change some of your lives forever.

ContinueCollapse )

Post written by moderndayknight [13 Sep 2005|03:35pm]
Matt Considine is a male model whose work has appeared in countless magazines and catalogs. Today, Considine gives theentertainers readers an exclusive, behind-the-scenes look at the making of the L.L. Bean Christmas catalog.

First shot

My call time today is 6:30. I meet with wardrobe and makeup and I'm on location (woodpile behind the old Weller's barn) by 7 a.m. Right now, I'm thinking the morning shoot should go pretty quickly. I'm modeling the classic Adirondack Barn Coat and the shot list calls for a standard Josh. For those of you outside the business, the Josh is a classic catalog pose. It's a mid-thigh to head shot of a ruggedly handsome man who's turning his head slightly to the right, as if to greet a ruggedly handsome friend who's just emerged from the timberline carrying some antique snowshoes. Most importantly, the Josh calls for a ruggedly handsome smile that looks as if it could break into hearty laugh at any second. (The Josh is named for Josh Caldwell, who pioneered and refined the look during his seminal work for Bean during the late '70s. Sadly, we lost Josh to AIDS in 1987, but his name lives on in this ruggedly handsome pose.)

As we're setting up, I'm cradling a cup of coffee between my hands just to keep warm. On a whim, I say to Steve (catalog photographer Steve Dinar), "You know, Steve, with the way this steam is rising off the coffee and swirling against the backdrop of this barn's weathered paint, I'm wondering if we ought to just incorporate the coffee mug into the Josh."*

Steve looks up from his filter case and says, "I don't know, Matt. It's not on the shot list and the cradled coffee mug usually reads a little more wistful. I mean, if this were the Rangeley Cotton Sweater and we were on the porch of a rustic cabin, I'd be tempted, but...hey, you know what? The hell with it. Let's take some chances here. We'll grab a few frames of coffee mug Josh and see if the client likes it."

Well, I guess they did like it, 'cause you can see me cupping the mug and striking a dazzling Josh on Page 47 of this year's catalog. It may seem like a small thing, but when you're working with the best photographers, real artists who've learned to trust a model's instincts, some pretty magical things can happen.

Second shot

It's almost 10 a.m. and Rex has finally arrived. We'll be working together on the next shot, a whimsical football-in-the-snow scene for the Chamois Cloth Shirt. You may not know Rex by name, but you've definitely seen his work before. He's a 5-year-old yellow Labrador with classically chiseled features. We worked together last fall on a great spread for Men's Health ("Low Impact Hiking," October 2002), so I head over to greet him and catch up on things.

But once I get over there, he acts like we've never met before, much less done a three-day shoot in the Cascades. What's with this shit? And then it hits me, "Oh, Rex got his first cover two months ago (Outside, 'Apres-Ski In the Poconos') and now he's too good for the rest of us. What an asshole." I promise you this: When Matt Considine gets his first cover (and it WILL happen), you won't see me throwing attitude around my next shoot. Some of us remember the ruggedly handsome people who helped us get where we are.


I'm back in the trailer when I hear a radio ad for some company that lets you name stars after loved ones. And it strikes me as just about the perfect Christmas gift for my girlfriend, Melanie. First, it's so goddamn romantic (My angel girl's in heaven, where she belongs). And second, even if I buy her a crappy star, one that explodes in a supernova next week or collapses into a black hole in a month or so, it'll be like 12.4 million years before she knows it's broken. How sweet is that?

My friends often ask me how long I plan to stay in the modeling game. And it's a fair question. I mean, I'm only gonna be ruggedly handsome for 20 or 30 more years. But my theory is this: As long as they're asking me to model the Mini-Waffle-Knit Shirts or the Polartec Fleece-Lined Vests, I'll keep doing it. But when I become one of those ruggedly handsome old-timers who's relegated exclusively to the Wide Wale Corduroy Pants, I'll know it's time to call it quits. That's just sad.

Third shot

For the last shot of the day, Lisa and I are working together on the Wildcat Parka tableau. In it, we're walking side by side with skis on our shoulders. And we're wearing confident smiles that say, "We're young and beautiful and privileged, but we think of ourselves as being only slightly superior to you, the customer. You probably won't look as good in these clothes. It may even sadden you a little that the clothes look so dreary and ordinary on you. But that's okay. Because now we're going back to the lodge for an Irish coffee and then to our cabin for some wholesome, athletic sex that poses no threat to the social order."

*No sooner is the coffee cup suggestion out of my mouth than Chris (photographer's assistant Chris Maniotta) says, "Umm, technically, steam is invisible. What you're seeing is condensation." This is apparently the kind of meaningless factoid you have to commit to memory when you're not the ruggedly handsome guy, but are instead the sad little man who holds the light meter up to the ruggedly handsome guy's face. What a weird, compensatory power to crave.

Post written by vengeance_is_me [13 Sep 2005|03:30pm]
ok, here's the run down about this 10fags and theentertainers

it's all rooted back to R_R. random review. this old reviewing community that kicked major ass until we got suspended. every comm the original reviewers have been a part of became nothing more than a mere shadow of R_R. we beef it up, kick ass for awhile, then try to pas the torch, but it always fails. you can train people to be elite, they're born elite. and it seems that the elite have either been aborted or have become extinct.

anyway, after that, an internet freak by the name of sean freeman became the hitler of the entertainers. he ruled with an iron fist and everyone followed because of the hijinx that ensued. sean then in turn e-hit on jessica and they became a couple. after that, a few months later, sean was sent off to get court marshalled somehwere. we don't know if this was truth or just a plot. i say it was just a plot. anyway, he was never heard form again. well, so we thought. anyway, he and jessica called it quits and then we left internet-hood with a:

"i fuckin hate live journal".

after a few months sans sean, we have this 10fags claiming he's our e-father. this is very star wars-esque, i know. so now, the question is: is it sean? is it a troll to the likes we've never seen? or have seen?! or....sean. oh, i'm such the punster.

there you go, newbs.

so ask yourself, do you think it's sean? i say yes. supposedly he admitted it, or not. who knows. this e-ambiguity is getting gayer than a tall, bald white guy dressed in tight leather pants with a belly shirt on.

your fearless leader,

Post written by goodcause [13 Sep 2005|03:27pm]
Recent events have forced me to begin shedding light on your departed "leader", cyns. Unfortunately, it seems as though the internet has confused this man with some sort of online diety, and I'm afraid I just can not remain silent any longer.

You see, my poor, confused children, cyns is nothing more than a sheep in wolf's clothing, a mere jester in the garden Bryants. He is, in truth, little more than a Live Journal version of Kimmi Gibler, storming in our kitchens to proclaim something obvious but sassy, gaining our chuckles but not our respect. The passerby wouldn't know it, though, given the amount of accolades this would-be LJ giant receives now that he is no more.

"Nay," you say, "I do respect cyns, and I have since the beginning of time."

Oh poor children. You have gone to bat for a man who listens to "50 Cents" and runs the alleys of Live Journal like a starving orphan. And now he demands your presence for a certain time and place and you shall consider complying? Pour souls! On Easter he proclaims he will be back, and you all allow him to martyr himself! He wants to prove that he is "ten times more funny than" people. Perhaps someone needs to introduce dear cyns to "funny". I know it can't be me, oh young ones. I have only one job this day, and that is to enlighten you, to bring down the laws, as Moses did long before that bitch Mary Magdalene fucked everything up.

Take a good look at your cyns, and consider my theories.

It is my hypothesis that anyone can write a cyns entry. It requires very little thought or motivation, and fools most of the general subjects.

1. Caged Tiger [Avril, Christina Aguilera, Mariah Carey, goths]
2. Obvious Observations [so annoying, not that pretty, fat-black-rose-loving-tards]
3. Semagic [altered fonts and colors are mandatory]
4. Some picture from ohnotheydidnt
5. Jokes that let us know you're black

Mix it all together and there you have it: an honest to goodness cyns entry! One could also perform the equation this way:


ONE PART KENNY BANIA, JERRY SEINFELD'S NEMESIS ["What's the deal with Ovaltine? It's not Oval...etc."]




There you go, you poor misled youngsters. Please take my words to heart. Not because I wish any ill-will towards your parched martyr, but because the error of your ways has worn on me too long. "Go home, be with your families, Terri would have wanted it that way."

Post written by vengeance_is_me [13 Sep 2005|03:24pm]
recently i was thinking, "what the hell do these people look/sound like?" some of you, well, the majority of you, i know what you look like, but some i don't. thanks to sostark and ithinkyousuck's voice posts, i know what they sound like... that just leaves the rest of you. these are going to be based on personality, looks and just pure imagination. the order of the post is this: what i think you look like (based on what i have seen or what i assume) and then, who you sound like. What you sound/look likeCollapse )

Post written by mengus [13 Sep 2005|03:22pm]
Calling out InawhileCollapse )

Post written by kagetoh [13 Sep 2005|03:17pm]
Good morning, children. Today we're going to review my application to the_reviewers.

It started out simply enough. In the two review communities I observe, the_reviewers and youcantwrite, I noticed a new face, a fellow going by the name of guysterrules. He had a really good LJ, something with narrative and dialogue and an eye toward intrinsic literary value, something more than the stock cookie-cutter neuroticism that usually gets praised as quality in the review comms. And his reviews were totally hilarious, like ghostlight might be if Mike weren't so standoffish and manic-depressive. Before long I had a big sloppy platonic e-crush on him. And rather than simply friend him, I decided to play the coquette.

I figured that, while I was at it, I may as well kill two birds with one stone and take a shot at getting into the_reviewers. Not because I have any interest in reviewing journals, mind you, but because I want to be able to add my two cents to the hilarity that occasionally erupts there. I could care less about getting into ljreviewz, since, thanks to cyns' troll-friendly policy, I can comment in there all I want already. But in the_reviewers I've always been a second-class citizen, able to read but forbidden to ever hit the reply button.

I knew that I was looking at an instant F from inawhile, who's been consumed with a burning need to destroy me ever since I totally owned her six months ago. So I preempted that strike by calling her out right in my post, ensuring that she would have have to suppress her knee-jerk reaction to me, or look like a complete chump in front of all her internet friends. Sure enough, she got her hackles up and lobbed a few half-hearted insults, but in her actual review she played it fairly straight, praising me for treating my girlfriend like crap (?) and giving me an actual grade. Kagetoh 2, inawhile 0.

Next up was someone named wiki_rad. This person seemed a little confused: I'd come asking for a review, and she started dispensing personal advice! Hey! Dr. Phil! Save the life-coaching for someone who needs it. I want an opinion of my journal, not 12 steps to a thinner me.

It was just as well Dr. Lindseybot didn't attempt a review, because she didn't seem to have the reading comprehension to properly form one. She accused me of having a journal wherein my "only schtick" was "dribbles about girls," a clear sign of either selective perception or, more likely, not reading back more than two entries. Upon seeing this I did a quick tally, and found that out of my last 40 visible entries, 28 did not concern girls at all. That's 70%. Using that logic, I could write off her LJ's "only schtick" as being "Maddox lite."

But I'm not that shallow.

She also got upset that she couldn't immediately grasp what the whole "Meesh" thing was about; I guess in her mind a good journal is one that's so banal and so formulaic that you can drop in on any given entry and immediately know what's going on and what everything refers to. I imagine that in her time away from LJ she writes hostile letters to J.K. Rowling complaining about this "Muggles" business.

Next we had shamroq, who was quite pleasant. He complimented my journal and complimented me personally on rocking a claddagh. He then went on to accuse me of being a stalker and looking in mirrors a lot, based on the fact that I have a few entries talking about girls and exercise, respectively. He conjectured I would make a good reviewer, and expressed the force of this conviction by giving me a failing grade.

He was still really nice about it, though.

Next was a fellow by the name of ... valency? Is that right? A guy going by "valency"? Yikes. That's on the same level of creepiness with those internet guys who have women as their avatars. Anyway. As I was saying, valency, who seemed to have some trouble activating his shift key, among other things. He complained that my posts were too long and that he found them too hard to get into. "my [sic] general malaise and disinterest [sic] is [sic] not a good sign," he wrote. I know what he means. I have that same reaction to things that are out of my intellectual depth too.

His closing paragraph did have some entertainment value, however inadvertant:

p.s. i don't write any of this thinking that you'd be even remotely interested in what i have to write in my blog, but... you asked for an opinion. i gave ya one. i'd just try to... find that little current of hunger and dis-ease, that spark from a flinty heart, or a calcified brain, or the stones in your eyesockets. or something.

Whatever, Nancy. Come back when you pass the TOEFL.

Then we have someone called ninjalicious. I have no idea how this person got into the_reviewers in the first place, but I suspect it involved the phrase, "Pass with one journal--get the second journal accepted free!" If that was the case, then ninjalicious' was definitely the journal "of equal or lesser value." S/he dropped a "/rofl," a D-bomb, and then said s/he would reconsider the grade if it turned out this was just a "mock journal."

Mock journal. Right. Which raises the question: what does "ninjalicious" consider entries (whole entries, mind you, not just excerpts) in a real, actual, non-mock journal? Let's take a look:


Jesus! This is better than Proust!


Well, ninjalicious, consider my mind officially blown. I had no idea that a mere weblog could so extend the limits of human expression. D+ gratefully accepted, Master Scribe.

After that there was a lull in the reviews, but my Yahoo inbox kept blowing up as inawhile and vengeance_is_me waged what had to be the most timid flamewar in the history of the internet. If a good flamewar is the equivalent of a professional boxing match, then what inawhile and vengeance_is_me were doing was the equivalent of two cataclysmically arthritic retirees wrestling each other in those inflatable sumo suits. I kept waiting for someone to get vicious, or at least funny. But every time things seemed on the verge of getting off the hook, Elina would lose her nerve and start meekly trying to entice vengeance_is_me into holding her e-hand again. Which he would then proceed to do. Puke.

I was hoping that by the time I got home, I would have finally started getting some grades from people I could actually take kind of seriously. But no such luck--when I opened my inbox again there was just a reply from calamityjake. This young man began his review by helpfully informing me that I seem like an "asshole," then said he wasn't happy with me being "antagonistic" toward Elina in my application. Uh-huh. First of all, kiddo, if you're so tragically thin-skinned that you get a lump in your throat when you see someone on the internet poke fun at a troll--a troll who isn't even you--then your parents or the state or whoever it is who's responsible for your care really shouldn't be letting you within a 20-foot radius of an open internet connection in the first place. But since you obviously do have an internet connection, maybe you should take advantage of it, and read the line where it says, "Remember, we aren't very nice"-- RIGHT IN THE GODDAMN COMMUNITY USER INFO. Capice, Jake-o? You don't cultivate a rough-and-tumble image for your community and then burst into high, keening sobs every time an applicant starts swinging his e-nuts.

About that time aniccata, uberdionysus, and my e-homies chemchick, mengus, vagynafondue, and enprise piled in with a series of A's and a B+, and it was looking like I was going to scrape in after all. But then inawhile suddenly got her panties in a wad (possibly, on some deep, primitive level of her consciousness, she was finally coming to realize that she'd been had) and changed her grade to an F. Even then, I probably would have made the cut. But ashcanprobably, apparently out on parole, suddenly appeared like Reginald VelJohnson at the end of Die Hard and busted a cap in my ass. No explanation or anything. (Luis telling you that your journal doesn't deserve to be in the_reviewers is a bit like Judas Iscariot telling you you don't deserve to go to heaven. But I digress.) At that point my application was teetering on the edge of a cliff. Then ooner walked up, planted one foot on the bumper, complained about my journal's lack of bright shiny objects, then kicked it over the edge, where it tumbled to crash and explode in the rocks below.

Speaking of flames, inawhile, apparently unsatisfied by my lack of reaction to her F (to say the least), was going off the like the Fourth of July: stalking me in other communities, trolling my journal, baiting me with an entirely new post in the_reviewers, insulting my appearance, and double-commenting on everything I'd posted in LJ, ever. I've seen people put less time and energy into writing their doctoral dissertations than inawhile was devoting to expressing her sheer hatred for me. Which is a real head-scratcher, because as I know (from inawhile telling me every other reply, that is), inawhile doesn't take anything that happens on the internet seriously, and doesn't get angry or hold grudges, because "that's not what adults do." Yet by this point she was as revenge-crazed as if I'd wooed away that rhinophile boyfriend of hers.

And after all that ... guysterrules never showed. Because his father died or some shit. WTF.

* * *

I realize that applying to a review community, getting rejected, and then publicly bitching about it is about as old meme as LJ gets. But I'm not here to say that the_reviewers sucks, or that the people in it suck, or that the people who gave me bad grades suck (I'll cheerfully accept pans from bloggers the caliber of ooner, shamroq, and ashcan, and if I have less respect for inawhile's literary abilities, well, girl's been OTI longer than Al Gore, and I wouldn't expect the_reviewers to go into action without her, any more than I would expect the Superfriends to fight the Legion of Doom without Gleek); or that I'm some weblog genius, or that they're fools for not accepting me, or that they're mean, or flawed, or insecure, or that I just write my LJ for myself and they should've understood that and given me straight A's because of it (or wherever the fuck people are going when they make that excuse). The only thing that needles me is that my original plan to win guysterrules' attention failed, and there's nothing I can do or say here that will salve my bitter, bitter e-tears over that.

But in my view, no misadventure is wasted if one learns a lesson. And the lesson I learned, the lesson I bring you here today, is this: what the fuck, 'reviewers. Time was, the_reviewers was LJ's gold standard. Time was, the_reviewers was LJ's honors class. If you wanted your blog reviewed by exceptional bloggers, and only by exceptional bloggers, the_reviewers was where you went. Because if you sucked, they didn't let you in. There was no affirmative action for suck.

Don't get me wrong, the vast majority of the_reviewers' 90-some-odd accepted members list is still quality. But there's suck in it now. In fact, if you confine your scope strictly to the few active reviewers, there's a big fat percentage of suck. To the point where I was expecting to refresh my inbox at any moment and find a grade from korczyk. I walked into the honors room last Monday, expecting to find the honors class. And instead I was beseiged by special ed kids, drooling and farting and reaching out to touch me with their sticky, clammy little fingers. My question is, where did these misbegotten little freaks come from? How did they get in? And why isn't the school administration doing anything to get them out?

(Oh yeah, one other thing that irked me: I didn't get one of pugofwar's reviews. You know, the ones where he does all the fancy HTML, and pretends to be that little dog in the icon, and talks about Hot Pockets? I love those little guys.)

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